Final: My Relationship with Technology

The Formation of Salem: My Relationship with Technology

I used to be a big reader when I was younger. I would go through 300 page novels in three days, if not faster. I'd seek out new authors, and I'd reread my favorite books by my favorite authors. At some point, I stopped reading. It's not that I don't want to read, because I really, really do. I even have multiple books on my desk in my room, waiting to be read. I'm currently working through The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros, and I've been working on this 110 page book for almost six months now, because at some point I stopped reading it and it began to collect dust on my shelf. I recently opened it back up, read a few chapters, and fell in love all over again. I love reading, but it's no longer my main form of escapism and entertainment. 

Probably the first time I began leaning into technology, particularly laptops and smart phones, is when I was introduced to anime. At least six years ago. I remember logging onto Netflix and loading up anime with the "Rated 14+" at the top left corner, and feeling so sneaky and adult, because I was only thirteen. To be fair, I didn't choose the best anime to watch, back when I was young. Having so much at my fingertips with the only restriction being not-being-caught, I gravitated toward ecchi --a more... adult genre, though it alone never crosses the line to adult. I wanted to watch the anime I knew I shouldn't be watching; I wanted so badly to be grown up. 

Around the same time, I found out I had scoliosis --where the spine curves and it can cause anywhere from slight discomfort to disability-- and I had to wear a thick plastic brace. It was so uncomfortable and I was so mad at my parents for making me wear it, and at the world too. Just to spite them, I dipped my toes in adult content. It's a tragedy, really, that children have access to that sort of content. We make it so easy to access anything at anytime. All you have to do is click a button that says "I'm 18+" or make a fake gmail with a fake birthday so youtube lets us see "mature" content.

I'm nineteen now. I watch cartoons, I keep up with the latest anime, I listen to music, I watch TikTok every day. I have access to everything. Bo Burnham perfectly sums up the tragedy of the internet in his 2021 comedy special Inside, specifically in his song Welcome to the Internet. Go listen to it, if you have the time. To sum up, here's the chorus:

"Could I interest you in everything? / All of the time? / A little bit of everything/ All of the time/ Apathy's a tragedy / And boredom is a crime / Anything and everything / All of the time" 

Truly, the internet is quite horrible for a young mind. It leads to so much corruption. Even so, it brings a lot of good --or, at least, a lot of contentment. When I was young, my favorite comfort was watching Minecraft YouTubers. I'd play Minecraft and animal crossing; I'd play Super Smash Bros with my siblings on our Wii, and I'd play Pokemon on my DS. I watched, and continue to watch, anime. I've bonded so much over anime and online interests with my friends to the point that I probably wouldn't be friends with them if not for my experiences with technology.

I spend a lot of time now watching TikTok. It's easy, it's endless, it drowns out the negative feelings --though sometimes it does make it worse. The internet, technology: it's another form of escapism, another comfort, and another trigger. Content, with or without TWs, will trigger me and make me want to s/h or worse. I'll seek out content that makes my stomach turn, tightens my chest, and makes me was to hide in the dark under a blanket. Yet, I'll also seek out coping mechanisms for anxiety, I'll look for breathing techniques, for comfort videos. I often find myself humming my comfort song, something I wouldn't have found without technology and anime. 

TikTok, while it can be triggering, hurtful, and spread misinformation, has also done a lot for me. I discovered gender on TikTok. In my conservative Christian family, I never would have been exposed to LGBTQ+ themes, especially trans themes. I may never have discovered that I'm nonbinary, and through that self exploration I may never have realized I'm asexual. Similarly, I never would have been exposed to so much neurodivergent content. Between TikTok and my best friend, I've expanded my worldview so much, and I've been given that push to explore different concepts and ideas. 

Even though the internet is an unsupervised, corrupt place where anything can happen, it's done me a lot of good. I wish to the gods that certain things never happened --events that were only able to occur because of things I'd learned on the internet--, but I wouldn't give up my experiences for anything. The person I've become is so much more than it was before: so rounded, thought out, and liveable because of the internet.

I spend far too much time interacting with technology than I should. I'd love to dance, to chat, to read, to write, to sing: to be so inherently primal in curiosity and self expression. In some ways, technology manifests as the wings that set me free; in other ways, it manifests as the shackles that bind me to a prison of comfort, secrecy, and routine. I haven't found the balance; I haven't found the sweet point between reveling in nature and succumbing to technology. One day, though, I will.

Stay spicy. You're worth the world. I'm proud of you.